That Day Will Have to Be Today
by gracelessheart
Summary: Emily hands in her resignation and finds herself having some explaining to do. Slight Morgan/Prentiss. Minor spoilers for the season finale.


**That Day Will Have to Be Today**

**Author's Note: **My take on Emily's departure and her reasons for it. I hope it's not too heavy to read through. Would appreciate some feedback.

**Disclaimer: **Don't own anything.

–

She had done it. After almost a week of hesitation and second thoughts, she had handed Hotch her resignation. She still remembered the look on his face and it still intrigued her that he hadn't seemed surprised. Maybe a bit taken aback but no, not shocked. Had he seen it coming? He was a profiler after all. When she moments later, had stepped out of his office she was glad she had chosen to do it last thing before she left because the tears prickling her eyes wouldn't have gone unnoticed by her team, who had thankfully left already.

The few hours that had passed since then still felt like a blur. She had sat in her car outside her building for almost fifteen minutes. She could still take it back without the team finding out. Hotch had left it to her to tell the others. It should come from her and she knew deep down that he was right; they deserved that. After everything she'd put the through last year, they deserved hearing the truth from her this time.

But how to say it? Explain it? She knew she would have to justify her decision. Especially to Reid. So instead of facing the emptiness of her apartment, where the echo her thoughts and doubts would have been deafening, she had kept on driving and ended up here. Sitting on a bench staring out at the Potomac River, as if the water would dissolve the lump forming in her throat. She dreaded Monday already.

She could imagine their eyes on her, all gathered by the roundtable with coffee cups and files spread out as if this was just any other day. But no day was ever just another day. Also a reason for her decision. She still had no idea what to say. How to explain it without making it sound like she was making excuses and running away, when that's what it was. But no matter how hard she tried it still felt pathetic. Selfish almost.

Deep in thought, busy picturing their reactions at her ultimate betrayal, she didn't pay attention to the heavy steps on the gravel path behind her. But if she had, she would have recognized them in an instant. But a moment later she felt his presence behind her but didn't bother to turn around. She should have known he'd figure it out. He sunk down on the bench next to her but she refused to turn around and face him. She had seen that look in his eyes before and didn't need to be reminded.

She refused to break the silence. He would have to bring it up. After all, he had come after her.

"Why, Emily?" The softness of his tone startled her and she dared to meet his eyes for just a moment before promptly turning her attention back to the water.

"How did you know?" she countered, answering his question with another question, pressing her lips together as if trying to prevent herself from spilling the whole truth there and then. At the same time, she wanted to laugh at herself for using a simple interrogation method on him.

"Garcia. She has our records flagged, you know... She told me."

"Does everybody else know?"

He shook his head. "No. Because I didn't believe her and convinced her to not say a word until I'd talked to you."

Emily just nodded. Not so much collateral damage. Yet. They sat in silence for a long while, Emily still not really knowing what he'd come there for. Answers? Talking her out of it? Yelling at her for just running away? All scenarios seemed plausible by now.

"Why are you here, Morgan? And how the hell did you find me?" she said rather sharply.

She turned towards him now. He was probably the one who should be asking questions and as she was the one questioning, the least thing she could do was look at him. She knew she wouldn't get away with lying if she dared to look him straight in the eye. She had gotten away once before but knew that now, that wasn't an option. And he deserved the truth anyway.

"We went for a run here, remember? And you told me how you went her the day you returned from Paris," he said, consciously avoiding the first question.

Emily nodding, recalling the Sunday afternoon some months back where she for some reason had decided to share that bit of information with him. Damn him for knowing her so well. At the same time, she was insanely grateful.

"So, why, Em?"

Hearing him using her nickname with such tenderness made her heart break a little bit more. She wondered if he knew that and did it on purpose.

"I just can't do it anymore," she said after a while, contemplating how to lay this out for him.

"Just like that? Did something happen that I should know about?"

She shook her head vehemently. She could hear the guilt creep into his voice. No matter what, she could not let him believe he was part of the reason to why she was leaving.

"No. I guess...I think that I should have seen it coming. The job...It hasn't been the same since everything with Doyle," she said slowly. "I could take that in the beginning it would feel strange. But nothing changed. I still felt...I don't know...Distant in some way."

"Maybe you should just give it some more time..."

"I did give it time. But when I realized what was off, I also knew that it was something that wouldn't change. And that I don't want it to."

"What? Why?" He just seemed even more confused now.

Emily sighed defeatedly, glancing out at the water before forcing herself to focus on Morgan again.

"I realized that when something bad happens to you, it affects you in one way or another. We've both been trained to stay emotionally distant. To move on, how to handle dangerous situations and keep our heads clear. But everything with Doyle...it was too personal. I had to _feel _to get out of the situation without going insane."

He studied her closely, anxious for her to continue. He knew she had been thinking about this a lot, maybe even since before she made her decision to come back to the team.

"I thought that it would go away," she continued. "That it would take a few weeks, maybe months. But it's almost getting worse, Derek. I have to let this do this to me. Because it won't go away, no matter how hard I try I can't make it undone or forget it. And I'm not sure I want to either."

"But are you sure this is the right way to handle this? By quitting the BAU?" he said in a low voice. Emily can already see the pain in his eyes this conversation has brought on. And as much as she hated to have put it there, this was the only way.

"Yeah. Yeah, I am. You might not have realized this but you have all changed. Things are not as they were before. The ten hours of training you made me do didn't change much, did it?"

After a moment of contemplative silence he nodded. "I guess it didn't."

"It didn't. You still worry, glance over your shoulder a bit more than necessary and even if it's just for a moment, you let your focus shift."

"Em, you're my partner...I can't just..."

"Derek...come on," she interrupted him. "It's not just that. You took the blame when I was shot. Made it personal. You still carry some of the guilt for what happened last year. And maybe some of that will never go away."

He just stared at her. He knew she was right. That woman could read him like a book like no one else had ever been able to.

"Does it matter? So what if I still feel guilty? As you said, we have to allow these things to change us."

"Yes. But think about what's at stake, Morgan, if you actually do get distracted..."

He looked at her, confused. What was she trying to say? That it was because of Doyle, or was there something else to this?

"What do you mean? Emily, I don't understand."

"Listen..", she said, wringing her hands in her lap. "When I went to Paris I _lost_ all of you. Even if it was just temporary, I got to feel that loss. I've never lost someone that close before. You have all become my family, being in both my personal and professional lives. Suddenly I had to cope without all of you... Without my job _and_ without my family. And if one of us get distracted it could happen again and I'd lose one of you for good. There's too much at risk. And now that I've felt it...I...I'm afraid it _will _distract me one day."

"Em..."

"Don't say it won't happen. Because it can. We've all been there. Close to never making it back. In the back of your head you know it can happen any day, but you always tell yourself that ' no, it won't be today'. And I don't want to find myself in that situation, it distracts me. Every single day. Now more than before. We always think it won't be today. But some day will be that day... And it scares me so much, you have no idea!"

She paused. She hadn't been prepared to reveal that much, she wasn't even sure if she'd known all this herself before he came to actually ask.

"I'm going to try to convince you not to do this, until you hand your credentials in. But I understand you and respect your decision. Even if I think you might change your mind."

"Maybe I will. And then I hope the door will still be open for me. But for now, I can't do it."

They sat quietly, side by side for almost fifteen minutes before Emily broke the silence once again.

"I never got used to it, you know...The fear...Every time we end up in a high risk situation, I always feel bad afterwards. Especially since I've been back. You're not the only one who's distracted. Since you told me that your worry clouds your judgement and distracts you, it made _me_ worry. Like a vicious circle..."

"You never said anything..."

He looked up at her with almost sad eyes and Emily felt her heart lurch once more. Since she had been back she was aware of that she had spent an increasing amount of time with Morgan both on and off the clock. Hotch had pointed out to her that she'd hurried to mend their friendship and maybe he had been right. But it had brought them closer and the fact that they were having this conversation was proof of how far they'd come. They wouldn't have done this a year ago. Now they really talked. About everything.

"But we'll still be out there, Emily. Even if you're not out there with us... It doesn't change anything. And whatever you chose to do, I'll still worry about you..."

She let out a short laugh.

"Oh, I know that. And I know that you'll still be sporting that hero complex of yours and I will worry endlessly about all of you. But I won't get distracted by my own fear so we all end up in trouble. Maybe all this with Doyle and these past twenty years finally caught up with me. Maybe it broke me, made me soft...I don't know. All I know is that I can't go on with it anymore... The job has always been everything but I can't help but hope there is more to life than this."

"What do you mean?"

"I've missed out on so much. You guys really became all I had. And putting that at stake every day is too much. I know I could lose anyone of you any day but I know I wouldn't be able to handle it if I was actually there. To see it, look into your eyes and... be a part of it. It would destroy me."

Morgan nodded. He understood. He'd had the same kind of thoughts for a while after they thought they'd lost Emily. Was it worth it? To put yourself through hell, see your friends suffer and even die right before your eyes... What did that actually do to one's soul? But then he'd made a life mission out of finding Ian Doyle and those thoughts had been pushed back somewhere far back in his mind.

"So, what are you going to do?"

She shrugged. She didn't have an answer for that either.

"No idea actually. But I believe there is more to life than what I've seen so far. And I..." she paused, wondering for a second how to phrase this. "I've missed out on a lot, maybe it's too late to do something about it... But somewhere deep down I guess I've always thought I would have the American dream, in some way. The family life. Maybe it's time to give that a try..." she shrugged, feeling rather silly at this revelation.

But Morgan looked at her dead serious and she briefly recalled one of their previous conversations on this particular topic. She knew he held similar visions of his future, just not anytime soon. But she knew he'd understand her wanting this.

"Sure you can't have both?"

She laughed again. "You're really trying to talk me out of this, aren't you?" He grinned in response before turning serious again.

"Yeah... I am."

She nodded solemnly, knowing it was the other way around, she would most likely do the same. With more anger and irrational accusations probably.

"Remember when we were in New York?" she said suddenly, going for a different perspective. He nodded. How could he forget?

"When Hotch had Joyner die in his arms... I bet he still feels responsible for that. And then he lost _Haley_. To the job. He was there when it all happened. He's lost so much and I can't believe how he still finds strength to leave the house in the morning. We have all been there, one way or another. You think it's not going to be today, and suddenly it is that day. When were went out on the streets that day, I was talking to Cooper and he made me profile him. We talked about his wife and kid...and an hour later he was in critical condition on the operating table. For his family that day could have been the day we don't think will ever come. Even if it does." She swallowed. "And even if I weren't his partner I...I felt responsible. Guilty. I should have had his back, done something differently. And I can't imagine what it would feel like if that was one of you..."

She sought out his gaze with her, wondering if her underlying message came across. It did because the haunted look on his face told her everything she needed to know. In his memory, he was back in that warehouse, with her, holding her shaking hands and for all he knew, he had watched her die. Feeling that panic and helplessness they all feared so much. It had been _that _day then.

"I know you still think about it, I do, too. And that's what scares me. That my fears will hurt us. In one way or another," she explained after a moment.

"I don't care about that. I trust you, Emily. I really do," he said, trying to make her understand.

"I know. I trust you, too. But as you once said yourself – I don't trust myself anymore."

He nodded slowly. How could he argue with himself? He fully understood her fears.

"Hotch and I talked about trust back then. He knew I didn't trust anyone fully...I guessed that's changed. I trust you, Emily...More than anyone else. Or than myself. That's why it hurts so bad that you're leaving. To have the one I rely on the most everyday...not be there anymore. It doesn't matter that you feel safer and maybe even happier without this job," he revealed, recalling his conversations with Hotch before they drove back to Quantico that day. "I won't trust anyone else like this... Not in the field, or outside the job. Not in a very long time."

Emily bit her lip, feeling tears burn behind her eyelids. She rarely saw him this emotional. She had seen his anger and frustrations show in the field, but rarely sadness and pain. This was hurting him. She was hurting him with her decision.

"But why me?"

"For the same reason you just happened to love Kilgore Trout. Coincidence. Fate. Or just because..."

She smiled gently, the memory of him cheering him up after she revealed the details of that horrible date. Wow. It felt like a lifetime ago.

"Hey...I'm not...abandoning you... I'll still be here. Henry turns 3 next month. I'll be at his party...I'll still be around, Derek. Just not at work."

This seemed to calm him slightly, but not convince him that this was going to be fine.

"Still. It changes things."

"Yeah, that's kinda the point," she offered jokingly and to her relief he smiled. She'd miss that; sitting by her desk on those dull days, spot him walk to the kitchenette to get a refill and get that secretive yet dazzling smile that on occasion made her wonder if it was just for her... Yeah, things would definitely change.

They sat quietly for another while, both processing their conversation. It had been almost an hour and the sun was setting across the river, preparing for tomorrow as if nothing had changed today.

"I should get going... I'll see you Monday?" she said hesitantly when their words had sunk in and she felt slightly better.

She stood slowly, stretching her legs and looking down on him, still sitting and staring out at the fading sun.

"Yeah. Monday... When's your last day?"

"In two weeks. The 25th."

He just nodded.

"Thank you. For...caring enough to try to talk me out of it."

"You say that now, I'll keep on trying until the 25th," he said, offering a small smile. She smiled back, knowing he would keep the promise.

"And I'll hold my ground until then."

"Whatever you say, Princess." The use of his nickname for her eased the pain slightly.

"Well, bye. See you."

She turned to walk away but only managed to take two steps before she heard his voice call out again.

"Hey, Em..." She stopped in her tracks and turned back around. He was on his feet now and approached her with a few strides.

"Yeah?"

"You're really not going to change your mind?" Suddenly he sounded almost...hopeful.

"Ehm, no. No, I'm not," she answered, looking at him curiously at the change in his manners.

The next thing her overwhelmed brain managed to process was Derek's hands lightly resting on her waist and his lips softly brushing across hers. And without thinking, she had probably done too much of that already, she found herself kissing him back, allowing her hands to tentatively reach up to his shoulders.

"In two weeks, when you're not my partner anymore... Maybe you'd consider... going out with me?"

He smiled his usual smile but Emily could detect the hesitancy in his question. They'd discussed this before, indirectly and silently agreed that there were lines that shouldn't be crossed. In two weeks, on the 25th, these lines would be completely obliterated. And what change was bigger than embarking on something she had to admit she had considered on more than one occasion.

"Sure. I believe you've got yourself a deal."

To her surprise, the words that sealed the deal rolled off her tongue much easier than she would have believed.

Smiling, he slowly let go of her. "Great. I'll see you Monday then." She nodded in affirmative and smile at the relief covering his face and tinging his voice.

"Monday."

As she walked away, she didn't bother to try to hide the smile on her face. She felt a million times lighter now than when she'd left the BAU a few hours ago. She had managed to convince not only Morgan but also herself that she wasn't running and she wouldn't lose them. On the contrary, maybe even gaining something that hadn't been possible before? There was most certainly a time for everything. And maybe today was _that_ day for venturing into something completely unknown. As she reached her car, she glanced towards the water and saw Morgan still sat on the bench, staring at nothing in particular. She smiled.

Yeah, things were definitely going to change.

–

**Feedback, please? **


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